First name : love last name : out of my league.

Mushy is bad for my health. I know it so I got drunk. Love drunk. Drunk off love. Watching the love those two share, got me drunk. But love is out of my league. Way way out. I know it but dont we always want what we cant get? I wonder if am ever enough of anything. Am I enough to love and be loved. I doubt it. So i take another sip of the chilled beer of love. I'll sneak up and watch people love from a distance. I'll pray they never feel this hollow, i'll pray they stay happy and in love, i'll pray they never have a taste of this beer. I'll stay drunk for them, because thats what i can afford, love is far too out of my league. A toast to love. To those that love and let love live. Its a wonderful feeling. Thats what they say. Am sure it is, its so famous, talked about, a general language. It has to be fabulous, special. But until then, until I am enough of anything, Until love knocks at my door, until I love someone and until someone loves me. Till another soul feels the need to occupy my body. I'll keep a bottle in hand, and keep drinking. Because thats what i have, and i'll want what i have and stay satisfied with not having what I want. A toast To love.

...scenes from my memory...

He looked at me dead in the eyes. Looking so calm and peace like he always did, took my hand in his and he asked, 'Are you with someone?' I said 'yes' he said 'who is he?' I said. Its not a he, its a me. I'm with my self. Loving my self. I'm in a relationship with my self. Strenghtening the bond I have with my self.' he looked at me and smiled at me. Two weeks later, He asked again 'are you with someone?' I said 'Yes. Self love' 'You're being selfish.' was all he said as calmly as ever. I paused, Was I really? He begged, let me in. Lets love together. Let me love you. No I couldn't. I couldn't. I cant love another when i dont love my self. So i kissed him, looked into his eyes and said. 'i'll love me. I'll learn the best way to love me. Then i'll do you a favour and teach you how to. If you pass or if you fail. I'll have the pleasure of knowing I taught you what I learnt. So let me learn and my knowledge will be shared with you once and done. He smiled and kissed me back.

'Oh wow'

'Keep it all inside. Keep it all bottled up. Nobody has to know. Nobody can help, nobody can feel the pain, nobody will understand' I say these words to myself over and over. Trying to forget it all. Trying to stop the tears, but its not helping because I want to talk to someone, I want someone to understand. But thats all i'll ever have the 'want' and nothing more. So I shut up, I smile, I laugh, I look cheerful, I sing, I dance. I Look young and happy and delightful, full of life. But I'm wretched inside, old and decaying, sorry and pitiful, Sorrowful, depressed. But no i'll keep it all bottled inside because nobody will understand. But on days I cant hide it, when it has to be written all over my face, hunting me, killing me softly. Those days I want to be left alone. I lock the world out, I swim alone, in my sorrow. I lavish in it, alone. And when someone pretends to care, and asks 'whats wrong?' I smile and say I'm fine. Oh But I am. I really am fine with my sorrows. I wouldn't share them because nobody has anything to offer, nobody can say what i dont already know. 'it'll be fine. Its ok. Dont think about it.' Please. I know all these i've heard them a million times endlessly, And i still await the 'fine' moment. Its not here yet. It'll never make it here. So yes i'm fine thanks for bothering. And when the fellow persists. 'tell me whats wrong. I might be of help.' I refuse the first, the second, the third time. And on the fourth I speak, I watch you listen, you're just curious. The great taste of bad news is all you want to savour. But i tell it anyways, and watch your face go blank. Now can you help me? Can you? No you surely cant. You're satisfied. What do you have to offer. 'Oh Wow' is all you can say. Oh wow. Did i tell you I needed to hear 'oh wow' I could 'oh wow' my self a billion times over. Yes 'oh wow' your curiousity has been fed. You have nothing to offer. I dont need your 'oh wow' I dont need your sympathy, I dont need you to hold my hands. I can do that myself. I can pat my own back, kiss my own hands and tell my self. 'oh wow, it'll be ok.' So when I say i'm fine. And I smile, and i tell you not to worry. Believe I'm fine. And i dont need you to worry. Because a true friend doesn't need me to look gloomy before knowing something is wrong. So yes i'm fine my dear past time activity. Because thats what you are. Not a friend, an activity to distract my self from the cruel world. To make my self believe, it's fine. It always is. Dont say i'm bad or hateful or rude or mean. Dont say that. No you dont need to if you cant change me. You haven't seen life through my eyes. You know nothing about me. So yes dear activity, i'm fine. And i always will be till the day i die. So dont 'oh wow' me. I dont want it. I dont need it.