Wake Up!

I remember posting something about not wanting to ever wake up again on twitter last wednesday or so. Well I had three replies. Someone sent a sadly, someone said I shouldn't say that, Someone said I should sleep by a snake. When I meant sleep then, I actually meant die, but now I just realized a different kind of sleep I actually enjoy.

I like to lay on my bed a lot, just to think and most times I imagine. I imagine what life could be like if this was this and this wasn't this and if that could only be that. This is actually the time I have the most fun, when I close my eyes and just let fantasy take over and I have all I want so easily and that feeling is so irreplaceable and satisfying. The world is mine to control in the confines of my tiny mind, I kill who I want and spare who I please, the moment when the world bows and becomes entirely mine [sips coke], mine alone! But then
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I snap out of it, i'm in my little bed, in my white room all alone and contesting 'who owns the night' with mosquitoes, my skin is sticky from sweat. There's no electricity and the room is stuffy but I still smile because I know my reality would soon catch up with my dream.

'I'll like to sleep and never wake up, because my dream is better than reality.'

One day my dream will be my reality. :o)

[well, there's electricity and its 2.30am already. Reality runs fast I presume. Time to sleep. XX]

Humans are not you, you're A single entity, 1 human.

The other day on an interactive site, I had a bit of a [fix important word here] with a guy. I dont know his name, what he looks like. I dont know if He exists or if I dreamed him up but I know He'll never ever talk to me again.

It started with this 'Love is beautiful'. That was his update of which I replied. 'Love is a myth, dont be fooled. There's only one love, the love God has for man'.

He then asked me 'why do you say so?'

Me: because its true. Lust it is, not love.

Him: you're right. So You dont believe in love?

Me: yea.


Him: so you're a fan of lust.

Me: No.

Him: thats a lie. You dont see somebody and just want to have the person?


Me: no. I dont lust after people. I dont put myself in line for emotional torture.

Him: You're lying. Everybody feels lust.

Me: well then, hello! I'm not everybody.

Him: so what do you think of when you see some guy you like? Since you dont believe in love, dont you want to just have sex and go your way?

Me: Well, I'm probably thinking does he like me back, not trying to get into his pant.

Him: So what if he likes you back and you start hanging out and you like eachother and then he wants to get down, What then?

Me: firstly, I wont like someone that'll want to get down.

Him: you dont understand what I'm saying.

Me: you dont understand me but I understand you.

Me: What I mean is, there's something that'll make me like a guy, something I see in him, for him to like me back it means we share mutual beliefs, thoughts, feelings so there's no way I'll still be friends with someone that'll eventually want to get down. You get?

Him: what if you want it too? Dont tell me you wont want to do it too.

Me: well, I wont.

Him: Smh. Ok have you kissed before?

Me: huh yeah, So what?

Him: Did he force you?

Me: No.

Him: you see, you both wanted it and you kissed. What if you both wanted to get down.

Me: I cant want to get down with someone.

Him: you're just childish. So you've never wanted to EVER!

Me: my beliefs are my beliefs. Do you still eat sand?

At this point, he said some offensive things that I shut out of my memory. All I wanted to prove to him was, he doesn't chew sand like he used to as a child anymore because he grew up and out of it. So also have I grown out of some certain 'feelings'.

Different folks, different strokes. You cant go judging a whole universe based on the few people that surround you.


Because people do it doesn't mean everybody does it too or doesn't mean its right to do it.


Sex is overrated.
Love is a myth.

Safe sex is NO SEX!

Bucket or Not?

I'll shamefully admit I haven't seen the movie 'bucket list' but from what I hear people say it goes pretty well with what I'm about to post, which is, 'things I'll like to do, own, achieve before I die.'
Thats pretty much a bucket list yeah??

First on my list as I made it late 2010 after Deba hurt me is : 'H A P I N E S S'
Yes. That pretty much says it all. I want to be happy.

Second on that list I made back then is : 'S I N G L E'
I'd like to still be single when I die because that way not too many people would be hurt (note: 2010 thoughts)

Third on the list is : 4 W H E E L S.
A vintage four wheel drive is the third and last item on my list.

I know that was probably the shortest bucket list in the world, or maybe it isn't even a bucket list afterall, but that pretty much sums it all up. I dont ask for too much from life, Just happiness and happiness could come in different shapes and sizes. I dont care if I own a mink, or a house on the beach, or an Island in the middle of nowhere, or a house on a hill (which would be nice tho. Jk), I dont care if I live in a hut or under the nearest bridge where darkness traps me. I dont care about those things, so long I'm happy on the beach or under the bridge. Happiness for me is not measured materially. And whatever is my source of happiness in the future is fine by the present me. I dont need a bucket list to guide my life when I have God and Me. So all in all, I want to die happy. I want to die satisfied with the path life had guided me through. I want to die knowing I enjoyed the life life gave me.
I want to die peacefully, contented with whatever I'm left to, with whatever height I've attained. I want to die knowing that I lived to the fullest. And every other thing my heart desires now, those things wont stand a chance near the happiness I'm hoping for.


The greatest achievement of all is Happiness. Money cant buy it. Fame and fortune cant.


But I'll still want that vintage ride, it's been on my mind since I was 10.

I hope this made a point.

Dropped On My A*S*S

These titles just come to me, I really dont know what I'm about to type but I really hope it matches the title.
And I Finally have 6 followers *sigh* -_- Thanks to y'all. God bless.

I feel like blogging is going to make my death worthwhile. Dont understand it so I cant explain why.



This month has fed me full with disappointments, I haven't blogged because I'm trying not to cry over anything. I'm being optimistic like Platoziwitc (imaginary friend) taught me to. But life hasn't been fair to me. I've prayed, I've been a really good girl but it's like failure and unhappiness are stalking me. I'm even beginning to believe my life is pointless again. I hope Platoziwitc doesn't read this. Its hard to explain anything, the dream is there, the passion is there, but something always goes wrong. I console myself with the saying 'failure draws you nearer to success' I wonder how far this success is tho, I'm aging by day if Mr. Success doesn't know so when am I finally going to be drawn to success. When!? How am I sure I'm even being drawn by the right rope of failure ( all gibberish, if you ask me). I'm confused, one minute I give up, the next I'm hoping and praying again. I just failed the fifth time, the fucking fifth time! I tried I swear I did, but its like I'm not trying hard. But I am. All the no sleeps, the extra work, nothing came out of it. Just one more record of failure (I need a drink).

And then there's the issue I try to pretend isn't there, loneliness. I'm effin lonely, I dont have any friends anywhere. I could go a month without receiving any phone call not even one or even a text message, I could keep tweeting till forever without getting one single reply. I went off twitter for a month and got only 6 mentions. Only four people noticed my absence. Like seriously tho! What am I? Everybody's +1 friend. Its so unpleasant. And to think I'm going through all these emotional suicidal moments with only I and God (Thats if God still listens to me anymore) alone. I need a friend as much as I hate to admit it. And this blog would probably be just another. Nobody reads them. *sigh* I'm used to being dropped on my a*s*s. Over and over again, nobody listens, I've become a shadow, they know I'm there but they dont care . I mean do you care about shadows? Nope, na No! You totally dont, nobody does. I'm a shadow now.

Then there's the boy I like (*kmt*) dont even wanna go there right now, else I'll cry and wish I was pretty and I'd wish I had all the pretty things and I'd wish I cared about girly stuff because thats the kinda girl he wants, thats the kinda girl everybody wants, and I'm far from the girl of his dreams. I'm the girl of nobody's dreams (deep breath) :o) oh well, the smile hides it all.


And I didn't cry while typing this too.
(totally useless post btw maybe when I die people would read this. Who knows?)